eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Randomize
