I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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