he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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