I love black thongs
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I fill condoms, not promises.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
