you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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