fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
