So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
