And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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