a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
