she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Drunk is a universal language darling
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
