Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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