that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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