Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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