Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
