The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
