for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
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So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
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I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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