He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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