i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
