we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
