Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Randomize
