I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
