God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
