apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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