You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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