I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Randomize
