I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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