Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
