My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
babies were throwing up all over the place
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
