We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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