Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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