is your mom at the bar?
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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