Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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