Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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