Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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