Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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