i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
