can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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