shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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