I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
