I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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