you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
