cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Randomize
