I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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