Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
