Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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