my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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