At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Randomize
