Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
