Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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