Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Damn victory sex feels great
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
