Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
