Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
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I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
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It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?