I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
