Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
